Joy in Marriage

Part 4- It’s not what you think.

“Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.’” Genesis 1:26

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’” Genesis 2:18

I am going to say something that might ruffle a few feathers.

The true joy of marriage is not physical. It is not emotional. It is not about finding someone who makes you laugh, likes the same movies, or looks good across a dinner table – though none of those things are bad. The true joy of marriage is SPIRITUAL. And until we understand that, we will keep watching Christian marriages fall apart and wondering why the divorce statistics inside the church look almost identical to the ones outside it.

Here is why: we have been building marriages on the wrong foundation. We start with attraction, add compatibility, throw in some shared interests, and hope that God blesses the whole arrangement. We put more spiritual discernment into buying a used car than choosing a life partner. We will check the engine, the tyres, the service history, and get a mechanic to look under the hood – but choosing the person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with? “They have a nice smile, and they like Thai food. That will do.”

But God did not design marriage to start in the flesh. He designed it to start in the Spirit. And when it does, everything else finds its proper place.

In Our Image

Go back to the beginning. Genesis 1:26. God says, “Let Us make man in Our image.” US. OUR. God the Father, the Word, and the Spirit – a triune God existing in perfect relationship – creates the first couple in HIS image. Adam and Eve were not just two people who happened to be compatible. They were a reflection of the nature of God Himself.

And what did they do? They walked with Him. In the Spirit. Together. No religion. No programme. No couples retreat with matching workbooks and a guest speaker. Just two people and their God, walking in the cool of the day, completely unaware that what they had was the most precious thing in the universe.

THAT was the design for marriage. Two people, one spiritual walk, together with God. Not focused on the flesh. Not driven by emotion. Rooted in the Spirit. And out of that spiritual union, everything else flowed – intimacy, purpose, fruitfulness, joy.

We lost that in the Fall. And we have been trying to get it back with fig leaves and good intentions ever since.

What Paul Actually Meant

Paul the Apostle said he wished men could be like him – unmarried, unattached – to better serve the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:7). A lot of people read that and think Paul was anti-marriage. He was not. He was being practical.

There were no telephones. No email. No wifi. No satellites. No Zoom calls – though I imagine some of Paul’s church meetings could have used a mute button. If you wanted to spread the Gospel, you had to physically GET ON A BOAT and go. Try doing that with a family at home and no way to call them. Paul was not against marriage. He was dealing with logistics.

But here is the thing: we do not have that problem anymore. We have every method of communication ever invented sitting in our pockets. The logistics excuse is gone. What we do NOT have – and what we desperately need – are spiritual couples. Men and women who are walking together in the Spirit, strengthening each other, preparing each other, and sharpening each other for the work of the Kingdom.

That is the gap. Not technology. Not information. Spiritual partnership.

A Servant, a Well, and a Woman on a Camel

There is a story in Genesis 24 that the church has turned into a nice tale about finding a spouse. It is much more than that.

Abraham is old. He sends his servant back to his own people to find a wife for his son Isaac. The servant travels a long way and when he arrives at the well, he does something remarkable. He does not look around for the prettiest girl. He does not ask who comes from the best family. He does not check anyone’s social media profile. He prays. He asks the LORD for a sign that he will know he has come to the right place and found the right woman.

And God answers. Rebekah appears. She does exactly what the servant prayed she would do. But here is the part that most people skip right over.

Later, when Rebekah sees Isaac from a distance – from AFAR OFF – she gets off her camel and goes to him (Genesis 24:64). She had never met this man. She had never spoken to him. She had never swiped right. But something in her spirit RECOGNISED something in his. She saw something IN him that moved her before she ever got close enough to see his face.

That is spiritual recognition. That is not attraction – it is something much deeper. And I know it is real because I experienced it myself. As a child, I saw someone in the Spirit that I would not find until many years later. I cannot explain it in natural terms because it was not natural. It was God.

We have lost this. We like someone because of their smile. Their appearance. The way they make us feel. And those things are not wrong – God made us to enjoy each other. But they are not the FOUNDATION. They are the flowers in the garden, not the soil.

The Ten Virgins and the Oil They Carried

Jesus told a parable in Matthew 25 about ten virgins waiting for the bridegroom. Five were wise. Five were foolish. The wise ones had oil in their lamps. The foolish ones did not.

Now it is well understood that the oil represents the Holy Spirit. That is solid teaching. But there is something underneath that parable that I do not think gets enough attention.

The wise virgins were PREPARED. The foolish ones showed up to the most important event of their lives and essentially said, “Does anyone have a charger? I am on two percent.” They were not bad people. They were just unprepared. And unprepared is not a position you want to be in when the Bridegroom arrives.

The wise ones did not scramble for oil at the last minute. They had cultivated a relationship with the Holy Spirit BEFORE they needed it. They PRACTISED. They knew their role before they entered the gate. They had an oil relationship – a Spirit-filled, Spirit-led, Spirit-dependent walk – and it was ready when the moment came.

We read this parable and think of individual believers. Fair enough. But the virgins represent the CHURCH. Men and women. All of us. And if we are supposed to be preparing for the King, should we not be practising that preparation TOGETHER?

The Scriptures say that older women were to prepare younger women. Older men were to prepare younger men (Titus 2:1–8). That is spiritual mentoring. That is generational transfer. That is the church functioning the way it was designed – not as a Sunday morning event but as a community of people who are actively helping each other keep oil in their lamps.

How many churches are doing this today? Really doing it? Not running a programme about it. DOING it.

The Greatest Joy

Here is what I want you to hear. Truly hear.

The church today needs spiritual men and women who will walk together in a spiritual marriage. Not focused on the flesh. Not distracted by the world. Not building their relationship on feelings that shift with the weather. But growing together in the Spirit, in preparation for the King.

It is hard for young people today. I understand that. The world throws so many fleshly and worldly things at them that the spirit gets blinded. Social media, dating apps, a culture that reduces love to chemistry and compatibility scores – it is relentless. And it is designed to keep them from seeing what Rebekah saw. Something IN another person that can only be recognised by the Spirit.

That is why this is a major shift. Not a small adjustment. A MAJOR shift. Couples need to strengthen their spiritual walk together. Not their date nights – though those are fine. Their SPIRITUAL walk. Praying together. Seeking God together. Sharpening each other. Keeping oil in each other’s lamps. Because it is too easy to drift from God on your own. But when two of you are walking together in the Spirit, you hold each other steady.

The only Christians who can truly enjoy marriage – TRULY enjoy it, with a joy that does not fade when the romance cools or the bills pile up or life gets hard – are the ones who know this and walk in it. Two people, one spiritual walk, together with God. That is the design. That is the joy. And sharing that knowledge with the next generation is part of the calling.

And here is the part that makes me want to stand up and shout: when a couple fills their lamps together – side by side, on their knees, in the Word, in prayer, in the Spirit – that oil does not just light the way to the marriage that is coming. It lights the marriage they are building RIGHT NOW. Every moment spent together in His presence is fuel for today AND preparation for eternity. The practice is not a rehearsal. The practice IS the joy. Two people keeping each other’s lamps full, walking together in the oil of gladness – that is a marriage the enemy cannot touch.

This is the joy of marriage. Not the world’s version. God’s version. The real one. The one that lasts.

And it is worth fighting for.

 

A Prayer

Father, forgive us for building marriages on sand and wondering why they crumble. Forgive us for putting the flesh first and the Spirit second – or nowhere at all. Teach us what it means to walk together in the Spirit the way You designed from the beginning. Raise up spiritual couples in Your church – men and women who will keep oil in their lamps, who will sharpen each other, and who will show the next generation what a marriage rooted in You actually looks like. Give us eyes to see what Rebekah saw – not the outward appearance, but the Spirit within. And give us the courage to build on THAT. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

— — —

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”

– C.S. Lewis

 

“Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.”

– Billy Sunday

 Always i-CH